applecheeks’ blog

Which foods do you eat a lot of? Too much of? 
Submitted by Allishandra.

Garibaldi biscuits.

A large bluebottle became lodged in my helmet. I could feel it flexing and attempting to buzz next to my eye. Luckily it flew out.

I kissed an Italian man.

What movie cliché would you most like to live out in real life? 
Submitted by Wes.  

Waking up and finding a severed horses head in my bed.

"Don't ever do that in front of your parents".

That's what my cousin said after he witnessed me 'revving' Bobby.

Let me talk you through the process of Bobby revving.

Upon my return from work, Bobby and I enjoy an half hour or so of cat-love. This involves a decent amount of straight forward stroking, shoulder carrying, idle chat and more often than not a thorough going over with the brush. if I'm in the mood, I'll let him fight with my socks.

But what we both enjoy best is the revving.

I get down on my knees, leaving them slightly apart. Bobby then crawls into the space between my legs until his face reaches my ankles. When I feel his whiskers tickling my feet I lower my bum down creating a snug 'cave'. This leaves Bobby's bum and erect tail poking out between my thighs. I grasp Bobby's tail and in a firm hand over fist action 'rev' it  for up to five minutes or until one of us collapses exhausted. It is mutually rewarding for us both.

In the spring we could work up quite an alarming amount of static, which I would discharge by gripping the cat and jabbing him at the radiator.

So yes, I am forbidden to rev Bobby should my parents visit which is a shame I think.

What other names did your parents consider for you?

Eugene.

I wouldn't have minded.

I have been perturbed for the last week or so.

Not last weekend but the weekend before I became horribly influenced of the bottle which left me feeling rather out of sorts on Sunday. Time shifted uncomfortably. At some point during that day I was doubtlessly slumped in front of the tellingvision in a great twitching heap. Whilst slipping in and out of this semi-coma I THOUGHT I witnessed a woman having an affair with a lobster. I couldn't really be sure. I've had a Thing about lobsters for quite a while now. And the main image scuttling round in my mind the next day was of a lobster frolicking in a bath with a naked lady. She had hold of the lobster as he playfully slapped at the water with his tail. Or rear flipper. Frankly I was concerned that reality and the awful machinations of my mind were blending and morphing. Was I only a few steps away from the padded cell?

Fortunately yesterday I once again witnessed the woman and the lobster in a Heineken advert. Thank goodness for that.

Bobby doesn't like the taste of Palmolive Thermal Spa.

Historically, Bobby has taken pleasure in licking moisture from my shins as I emerge from the shower. Both of us seemed happy with the arrangement. I would disrobe as Bobby observed. Disliking the hiss of the shower Bobby usually withdraws for a short while and squats in the corridor looking slightly displeased. Upon the apparent cessation of my ablute he reappears and licks my shins whilst I see to the rest of me with a towel.

But for the last few days he has been eschewing the traditional shin-lick and prefers jumping up into the bath and drinking directly from the water collected around the plug hole. Perhaps he is thirsty, or drinking from the bath feels more natural to him. I'm, not sure, I do keep a bowl of fresh water out for him and even have a glass of water for him near my bed to stop him drinking from my personal vessel. So fear not, I'm not neglecting his needs.

This morning, though, could begin a different era in his hydration needs. Bobby hates the taste of Palmolive Thermal Spa. After jumping in and having his fill of shower water, he emerged and emitted a long, pitiful semi yowl whilst running his tongue round the inside of his mouth and licking his lips. It really was a very strange noise. This procedure carried on for a couple of minutes after which he gave me a hateful look and went to eat some of his cat-nuts probably to get rid of the taste. Or to wash down the remaining exfoliating micro-beads lodged in his maw.

I shall let you know if he has learned his lesson tomorrow.

What are your top 10 most-played songs currently?

1. November spawned a monster - Morrissey

2. Everyday is like Sunday - Morrissey

3. Will never marry - Morrissey

4. He knows I'd love to see him - Morrissey

5. Cutslo (Lokuste Mix) - Ed Rush

6. Yes, I am blind - Morrissey

7. Suedehead - Morrissey

8. Ouija Board, Ouija Board - Morrissey

9. The last of the famous international playboys - Morrissey

10. Such a little thing makes such a big difference - have a guess

Interesting drum and bass entry at No.5  I am slightly concerned that a song titled Novemeber Spawned a Monster is evidently my favourite record out of 4,500 possible favourites.

This morning I eschewed the bike in favour of car. I awoke feeling as if I hadn't slept. No doubt Bobby had been looming over me in the night, probing my mind with his dreadful mind bummer. I vividly remember dreaming that I was to join the army, and that I was happy yet filled with a nameless dread. Perhaps of seeing my own legs blown off. Another dream involved me running about a large house, locking doors and windows against an unknown foe.